


Promise?

by BirdBlue



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hogwarts, I'm Sorry, Marauders' Era, POV, Rewriting an old fic, Suck it up Buttercup, Too lazy to write better tags, Well... not really, sue me bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 10:25:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17242565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdBlue/pseuds/BirdBlue
Summary: My own version of Regulus Arcturus Black's descent from loving, sweet, little brother to broken death eater. That's pretty much it.No direct gayness here, I'm afraid. How very out of character for me.





	Promise?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fanfiction I wrote when I was around about 12. Hence all the angst. I thought the concept was good, so I decided to revamp it. I hope I managed to improve it a little, but I'll leave that for you to judge. 
> 
> It's built up in a current-POV-to-Flashback-to-weird-poem-I-wrote style. Yeah... A little confusing to explain, but I hope you'll get it, once you read it. I don't usually do POVs, so I tried to make this sort of like how I think. Which is why the sentences are clipped and not all that descriptive. (Still couldn't help myself with being overly dramatic, though.)

I'm lost in a daze as I walk through the halls, giving no heed to the bustling and gossiping flow of all those people around me, barely even listening to Barty as he rants about the last Ballycastle Bats match.

It's my first day back at school. In my fifth year. I am heading to breakfast. My slow, beating heart, swallowed by a very special kind of dread. I walk into the Great Hall, its usual noise and the smell of toast greets me. How can everything be so normal? So mundane. So ordinary.

Stalking over to the Slytherin table, I sit with my usual companions. They talk about their holidays, their rich, happy lives. They talk of greatness and of accomplishment, of sunlight and so much time to waste. I stay silent. I don't want to speak to them about __his__ departure. Not again. Not after all those pitiful looks and false condolences. My endurance is only so great.

I feel my my eyes drifting towards the Gryffindor table. My pupils are a living reminder of human attachment. I wish I could switch it off. All these feelings. They ravish me and leave me empty. The pink edges of my eyeballs feel dry from crying. My brain feels numb from thinking.

 

_Shouting. The crashing of plates against the cold stones floor. Footstep running up the stairs. A slamming bedroom door. Loud muggle music drowning out the curses from downstairs. All of this creat s a symphony of desperation and disappointment._

_The boards creak under the weight of a small ten year old's feet, the music get s louder as the bedroom door opens and shuts again._

_Legs hang down from the bed, eyes staring up at the ceiling._

_"Not Slytherin?"_

_"Not Slytherin," comes the answer._

_"But our whole family-"_

_"I guess, I don't do well with snakes. Okay?"_

_A deep sigh, and the body falls back onto the bed sheets._

_"Oh..."_

_The smaller body hu gs the bigger one, an action more gentle and sincere than any words could be._

_"Shouldn't you hate me, too, Reg?" The voice finally ask, so quietly, that it’s barely audible._

_"We’re Blacks, Siri… When have we ever done what we should? Madness is in our blood, remember?”_

_A soft exhale of breath, then a laugh._

_"It’s mad to be different, then?”_

_“ I don’t know, Siri, but it won’t change us. Promise?”_

_“ Promise, Reg.”_

_A heart-breaking sob, disturbs the long, comfortable silence, followed by tears, blurring our vision, just salty droplets of water. Nothing more, nothing less._

 

There he is, talking, eating, and laughing with his stupid friends. His new family.

My brother. Wait- No. I can't call him that any more, can I? What should I call him then? Blood traitor? Muggle fucker? I know all kinds of words like those, all kinds of insults and slurs. I've used them enough, almost every pureblood has.

_****Forever pure,** ** _

_****Forever your,** ** _

_****Little toy,** ** _

_****Little boy.** ** _

I catch it, the golden ball. Then, soaring through the air, over the green grass, I land beside my team mates. The loud cheering and echoing boos of the students all around us deafens me.

Barty screams something in my ear and I smile at him, hoping he won't notice my mental absence.

Where is he sitting?

Is he even watching?

_"Go on, Reg! You can do it!"_

_"You're too high up, I- I'm scared..." Anxiety is slowly taking hold of everything else._

_A laugh comes out of a smiling mouth. "That's the fun of it, Reg! C’mon! Don’t worry! I will never let anything hurt you! P romise!"_

_"What if I fall?"_

_"I’ll be there to catch you!"_

_"And if I don't know how to do it?" An easily made excuse._

_"Just kick off, Reg, nothing will go wrong! I know you'll love it once you try!" Words full of encouragement, not to be ignored._

_“ Promise?”_

_“ Promise.”_

_A small kick, and then..._

_"I'm doing it! Look, I'm really doing it! I'm flying, Sirius!"_

_Laughter and cheering echo across the courtyard._

_"See! I knew you could do it! Didn't I tell you could do it?!" Didn’t he promise?_

_"Yeah..." Two twin smiles, each reflecting the boundless joy in the other. A naive and beautiful happiness._

 

I smile at the crowd, my face splitting into a smirk of triumph.

It was an easy win, I'm not proud of it. Why should I be? But I needed the match to end quickly. I need to be alone. I need to think.

 _****Pull me up on** ** _ _****a** ** _ _****silver string,** ** _

_****M** ** _ _****ake me sing.** ** _

_****Then let me dance,** ** _

_****And entrance.** ** _

I sit on the lake's bank, chucking little pebbles into its depth, absent-mindedly letting them sink to be trapped underwater forever.

Little ripples spread over the water, shimmering red and yellow in the evening light. It’s all too pretty. Too perfect.

"I'm relatively sure that prefects shouldn't be out this late."

His voice shocks me out of my revelry. Months of silence and now this?

"You shouldn't be out, either!" I snap. How dare he criticise me in anything, after what he did!

"I guess not, no..." He sits down next to me on the green bank, pulling off his socks and shoes before paddling his feet in the water. Is this it? Is this how he expects everything to be forgotten? My acting as though it never happened?

I pull my knees up under my chin and stare out over with the water. I don’t want to look at him. It hurts when he’s this close.

"Why did you leave?" I ask, almost hoping he'll freeze from the ice in my voice. Almost hoping he’ll leave.

"Why do you think?" He answers bitterly, taking a stone from the little pile by my side and chucking it as far as he can, out into the lake.

"I really don't know..." My voice is quiet, a tint of sorrow in it. "You could have had anything as our family's heir, Sirius. Anything...If only you'd stayed."

"Anything?" He lets out a bark of laughter. "Yeah, sure. Anything but actual love or acceptance. You can’t really believe I’d have been happy like that, can you?"

"That isn't fair!" I say, angrily. "You didn’t even try to be happy with it! If you had just acted like a Black, for once..." My voice drifts off into silence. I remind myself of my mother.

"So you agree with them then?" He looks at me disbelievingly. "You? My own brother? You actually believe the shit they say, Reg?! C’mon! I thought you were smarter than that."

I stand up, glaring at him furiously, my fists clenching and unclenching. I want to hurt him and it scares me. "I'm not your brother! Remember? Not any more! You betrayed our family! You betrayed me!" Tears spill from the corners of my eyes, I wipe them away. I will not cry! I will not be weak!

He stands up, ready to hug me, to comfort me, to tell me everything's alright. But it isn't any more, is it? And so, I push him away. That hurts him. Almost as much as it hurts me. I can see it in his face.

"Reg," he says slowly, looking at me pleadingly. Like a kicked puppy. He always did that. I always forgave him.

"My name is Regulus, not Reg! Address me properly, blood traitor!"

"Fine, Lord Regulus Arcturus Black!" He shouts, losing his temper. He’s always been quick like that. It’s why he could have never been a Slytherin. He can’t hide his emotions. Can’t bottle them up like I can. "Let them treat you like a little puppet! Become the perfect pureblood heir, why don't you? Become a bloody Deatheater, too, while you're at it!" He stares at me panting. I can see regret, hidden in the depths of his eyes. He hates shouting at me, and always has. The love in those damned eyes makes me want to vomit. It’s suffocating! It's unbearable!

"You know what?" I say, not raising my voice, it quivers slightly, but soon fills with certainty. "I think I'll do just that." It’s not even an accusation anymore. It’s a statement. A truth. “It’s not like I have anyone on the other side, who I need to protect anymore, is it?”

The regret vanishes from his eyes, I can almost see it happening. He doesn't see me as a brother anymore. No, he sees me for what I am now. What I have become. A proud member of the Black family.

"Go ahead, I honestly couldn't care less." His voice is contemptuous. He picks up his socks and shoes and begins to walk back to castle.

“Promise?” I ask.

There’s a pause and his strides stutter to a halt. He doesn’t look back. “Promise.” he answers and continues walking. Not looking back. Not once.

I let him go. Why shouldn't I? I am lost to him now. Lost to anyone, but the one who hopes to claim me. I slowly sink back to the ground, all my energy used up.

That's right. I want him to hate me, to loathe me, to just stay away from me! Because, if he falls, I do not want to come tumbling down with him. I will not make the same mistakes he did.

I caress my still unscathed left forearm.

 

_"I'll belong to you soon, my Lord, I swear, by all the noble ancestors, that came before me, only you… I promise." White hands hold my soft skin. A cool smile on those thin lips. It’s heaven when he looks at me. Only at me._

 

A smile plays upon my own pink lips. Still plump with youth and warm with health.

"I've left it all behind, just for you..."

I close my eyes, finally feeling at peace with myself.

_****I'll play the part,** ** _

_****Of a broken heart.** ** _

_****After** ** _ _****all these years,** ** _

_****I'll be yours.** ** _

**Author's Note:**

> So... What do you think? 
> 
> I live for comments, so please leave one. Even if you didn't like it, I'll still learn something. 
> 
> Also, the Reggy/Voldy thing is a very veiled implication, but if anyone's interested in me writing something about that ship (it's one of my many guilty pleasure ships, even though I've never actually found a fanfic about it), then let me know. I wouldn't mind doing a short one-shot about that.


End file.
